she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
