Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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