So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
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My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
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Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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