I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
