i just wanna soil my oats bro
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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