so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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