I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
