Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
