The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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