Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
