I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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