frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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