I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
