I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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