I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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