dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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