I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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