i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
