so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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