I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
