just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
sex in a hospital.. check
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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