The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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