There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
