so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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