omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
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