I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
