I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
