Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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