people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
