You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
