I met the friendliest cop last night
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
