I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
