I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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