she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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