someone threw a dead crab at me
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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