i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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