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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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