Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
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Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
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Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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