Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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