She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
