Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
