the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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