I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Randomize
