I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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