Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
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i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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