Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.