i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.