I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...