you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
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Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
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I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't