We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
it was like having sex with a tree stump
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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