Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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