so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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