I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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