Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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