I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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