I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
