I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
