I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
