You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
