Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
