can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
