it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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