Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
