i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
