I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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