Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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