I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
