Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
